Life right now

Have you ever had those periods of time when it just feels like nothing is as it should be? I am having such a crisis right now, and I know how I "should" respond, but it is so very difficult making my heart follow what my head is telling me to do! Isaac got news that his store will be closing at the end of the month. He has been with his company for 9 years, longer than we have been together. I never knew how much comfort and security I placed in his job until it was gone, and now I feel like the rug was just pulled out from under us.

I so wanted to respond to this situation with grace and confidence, but so far I have been falling apart, stressed, irritable, and more than a little freaked out. I feel like I want to stick my head in a hole and come out when everything is better, his job is secure, and we can move on with life. It makes me feel guilty that I am so shaken by this when people around me are dealing with things that are much worse. I know I have a lot to be thankful for and I am thankful, just scared. That is the reason I have been MIA from my blog, I just can't muster up the strength to talk about anything else, other than what is consuming my thoughts and heart right now. I read this Scripture the other day, and it comforted me. I am praying that the LORD will direct my heart and mind and help me to trust in this season of my life.

May the Lord direct your hearts into God's love and Christ's perseverance. 1 Thess. 3:5

April

April is my favorite month. We were married on April 3, 2004 so this year we celebrated our 6th anniversary. I meant to write a sweet, meaningful post on how much I love my husband and how wonderful he is, but that didn't happen. Even though I missed posting, he is a wonderful husband and I am still as in love with him today as I was 6 years ago. That day was one that will forever be burned in my memory (for good and bad reasons), but the most important thing was that, at the end of it, I married my best friend.It is unbelievable to me that it has been 6 years already. It has gone by so fast!
I also turned the big 3-0 on the 15th. I took it a lot harder than I expected. I don't think it was as much about getting "old" as it was sadness to be leaving my twenties. So many wonderful things happened in my twenties. College, graduation, moving to NH, engagement, marriage, babies. All of those things have been so life-changing and incredible, and I have enjoyed my twenties immensely. I just feel like the thirties are going to be the "hard" years since the kids will be going to school and hitting their teens all in the next 10 years! I guess I am enjoying them being little right now and am really intimidated about what the next 10 years hold for us. I did have a great birthday though. My friends took me out for a girl's night to see Date Night which was one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. we had so much fun and laughed louder than everyone else.

My awesome hubby took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and bought me a Nikon D 300 camera that I have been wanting forever, so hopefully I will be able to improve my photography skills after I finish reading the 200 page manual. Tech savvy I am not! I do feel like he gave me the gift of beauty since I will be able to capture what I see in a new way. I love him!

I am always a little sad on my birthday because it is one of those times when I feel the loss of my dad just a little bit sharper. He would always call me starting in March and tell me how many days till my birthday. He would try to find a special book for me (since that was a love that we shared) or a special present just from him. It didn't have to be expensive, just something that he picked out himself. I miss hearing his voice teasing me or telling me about the day I was born, how excited he was and how much I meant to him. I thought losing him would get easier with time, but the longer he is gone the more real it becomes.

Easter was also in April this year, and (thanks to my mom) the kids looked absolutely adorable! They were not thrilled about mom trying to take their pictures, and taking one of all three was almost impossible! I still tried to snap a few as they were opening their Easter baskets.




After church, we went over to Ron and Luanne's house for Easter dinner. She had gone all out with games, baskets, and an egg hunt for the kids. That woman is incredible! We had a fabulous time.



I love April for many reasons, but mostly for the promise of new life and sunshine. It has been a beautiful month weather wise, and we are soaking up the sun and playing outside as much as we possibly can!

They're watching

The other day, Evalyn was talking to me and snot started running down her nose. I told her to get a tissue, but she just took the back of her hand and swiped it. "That is sooooo gross" I told her. She didn't see why it was gross when you couldn't "see" the snot on her hands. We then went into this whole conversation about germs and how they are invisible but can still make other people sick, plus, its just bad manners.

Fast forward to bath time that night. I am getting them all out of the bath, one by one, and itch my nose. Evalyn turns to me and says, "Mom, you have lotion on your nose." I wiped it off and said "thanks for telling me." She then says, " Mom, that means you wiped your nose with your hands. That is where I learned it and that's a bad example." I started laughing uncontrollably, but, after I put her to bed, I started thinking about how they are constantly watching the things I do, reactions/attitudes/mistakes, they see it all. There is no putting on a good face, trying to look like I have it all together. They know the good, bad, and ugly of me. That thought is intimidating to me, because I want them to not make the mistakes I have made. I want them to be better, stronger, more disciplined than I am, but someone needs to teach them, and that someone is me.

I want to teach them how to take care of your body, how to live a healthy lifestyle, but that means I have to take care of my body and live a healthy lifestyle.
I want to teach them how to serve their spouse and how to prioritize their marriages, but then I have to serve Isaac and put our marriage first.
I want them to have good attitudes and respond with love when someone says or does something hurtful, but that means I have to watch how I respond (especially when i am driving!).
I want to teach them how to have a intimate relationship with god, but that means they need to see ME spending time with Him, talking about Him, worshiping Him...

I feel like I fail them so often. I told my sister-in-law that the second you get that second line on a pregnancy test, the guilt starts. Am I doing enough or too much? Will this hurt the baby? Is it poisoning them if they get formula for some feedings instead of breast milk? Are they not using as many words because I haven't read to them enough? What school will I send them to? Will they turn out to be degenerates if I choose to put them in public school instead of home-schooling them like my parents did me? See? Guilt is all a part of parenting! I don't want to be a good example because of guilt, but because I feel I have a God-given responsibility to show them the right path and how to walk in it and how to hear God's voice (Isaiah 30:21). God, give me the strength I need to be a good example to them, and let me lead them to You...

A Day

I have lived a lot of places in my lifetime, but New Hampshire just has its own particular beauty. About a thousand times a day I wish I was a professional photographer and could capture the magnificent light at sunset or the bright blue of the sky through the trees. Its beauty just makes me happy. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids out to play at the church and ride bikes in the huge empty parking lot. The sun has been out the last few days giving me reason to hope that it will come and play for good some time soon. What is it about sunshine on your head that just makes life better? I definitely needed it this week! I loved seeing the kids enjoying the fresh air. I didn't even mind when the twins dug holes in the ground and filled up puddles with mud, or Judah walking through those same puddles and soaking his clothes. I looked at them with complete understanding. Sick of being inside, anxious to get down in the dirt and explore, loving the feel of the sun on your head. I have missed it too.

Everyday Things

"Daddy and Mommy" a portrait by Evalyn


I got in the shower this morning and turned on the water. The spray is not a trickle or a wussy stream, but it comes out full and firm on your head.
I soaped up my hair with my shampoo, all the while reminding Evalyn to please not flush while mommy is in the shower and trying to keep Judah from climbing in with his jammies on.
I get out and bury my face in a fluffy towel that smells like laundry detergent (I recently switched to Tide and will never go back).
I put on all of my lotions and creams, get dressed, and go downstairs to dry my hair. I get out the hair dryer and automatically flush the toilet where I know Gavin peed and was too sleepy to remember that minor detail in his early morning fog.
I turn on the hair dryer while simultaneously trying to keep Judah from climbing on the stool-turning on the water-playing in the toilet-putting cars in the washing machine-putting on my make-up.
I finish up and pick up Judah, seeing that he has soaked through his diaper and pajamas. I take him to the sink, soap him up with dish washing liquid, hose him off, then take him to get dressed.
I make the kids breakfast, get Gavin's back pack ready for school, and get the rest of them dressed. I go to my room to pick up the laundry and see that Judah has made cat food soup again by dumping the cat's food into his water.
I clean that up and go downstairs to put Gavin on the bus, stopping to pick up random dirty clothes and discarded jammies to throw in the laundry.
I get him on the bus, kiss my hubby on his way out the door, and sit down with my cup of coffee thinking of my morning and all of the things I have to do on this day.
Normally, I might gripe when cleaning up the cat food, or complain about all the laundry that is piling up in baskets, but today I am looking at things with a different perspective.

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I spent the weekend in the hospital with a kidney infection that was pretty serious, and I laid in a bed that smelled like the hospital, tethered to an i.v., watching the sun through the window. I took showers with plastic over my i.v. site, washing my hair with the hospital issued shampoo since I forgot mine at home, drying myself off with towels the size of large washcloths. I ate my meals sitting by myself in bed, surrounded by silence. It was misery. The nurses were lovely, food was good, visitors encouraging and sweet, but I hated every second of it. When I walked through the doors of my house on Sunday afternoon, I was welcomed by all the sights, sounds, smells, and chaos that mean HOME to me. Three days without it made me understand how much I take my everyday life for granted. I understood that my family gives me a reason to wake up and be joyful, expectant that something fun or interesting, or maybe even a little gross will happen today. There will be messes, tears, laughter, fighting, laundry, cleaning, and a million other things to fill my day, but it will be good. This morning was just a typical day in my life as a mom, but it was so much sweeter.

Beauty for Ashes

I haven't written in my blog for awhile. I guess I have been feeling overwhelmed by the needs of the people around me, the devastation that I have witnessed family and friends going through. I almost feel like my writing about the trivial happenings in our house are an insult to those who are walking through the fire, whose daily reality is struggling for survival, who have experienced pain and loss and hardship. It has driven me to my knees in prayer, but also made me feel helpless and uninspired. Something happened today that helped me change my perspective...

Today was a BEAUTIFUL day. The sun was shining and warm, and lifted the blah feeling that January usually brings. Sidenote: Why is January such a yucky month? Holidays are over, snow is mushy, skies are grey. Anyways, I went to the store this morning with a friend, then came home and picked up Isaac and the kids. Isaac had a few hours before he had to leave for work, so we decided to let the kids run off their energy at the play place and feed them lunch. As we were getting ready to leave, Evalyn saw a little girl with cancer walk in. She tugged on my sleeve and said, "Mom, look at that little girl." Thinking she was going to comment on the girl's balding head, I was about to tell her to be quiet, but then she says, "Just look at her skirt! She looks sooooo beautiful." The little girl's mom smiled at me and I told Ev, "yes, honey, she is VERY beautiful."

I quickly put the kid's shoes on and walked them outside before my tears spilled over. I cried the whole way home. I cried for the little girl, not knowing how sick she was or how often she gets to be a regular kid. I cried for her mother, knowing the desire of wanting your child to participate with other children, but wanting to protect them from hurt. I cried for my little girl, loving that, while I saw ashes, she saw beauty. As I sat in the car with my husband beside me, listening to the chatter of the kids in the backseat, my heart filled with thankfulness and gratitude. At that moment, I made a new resolution in my heart: I will look for beauty in ashes. I will continue to write about the happenings of our day, trivial or not, thanking God that we have the ability to experience life and enjoy every single moment He gives us. I will enjoy my children, treasure my husband, and recognize the gifts they are to me. I will choose to see beauty.