Monday, March 29, 2010

They're watching

The other day, Evalyn was talking to me and snot started running down her nose. I told her to get a tissue, but she just took the back of her hand and swiped it. "That is sooooo gross" I told her. She didn't see why it was gross when you couldn't "see" the snot on her hands. We then went into this whole conversation about germs and how they are invisible but can still make other people sick, plus, its just bad manners.

Fast forward to bath time that night. I am getting them all out of the bath, one by one, and itch my nose. Evalyn turns to me and says, "Mom, you have lotion on your nose." I wiped it off and said "thanks for telling me." She then says, " Mom, that means you wiped your nose with your hands. That is where I learned it and that's a bad example." I started laughing uncontrollably, but, after I put her to bed, I started thinking about how they are constantly watching the things I do, reactions/attitudes/mistakes, they see it all. There is no putting on a good face, trying to look like I have it all together. They know the good, bad, and ugly of me. That thought is intimidating to me, because I want them to not make the mistakes I have made. I want them to be better, stronger, more disciplined than I am, but someone needs to teach them, and that someone is me.

I want to teach them how to take care of your body, how to live a healthy lifestyle, but that means I have to take care of my body and live a healthy lifestyle.
I want to teach them how to serve their spouse and how to prioritize their marriages, but then I have to serve Isaac and put our marriage first.
I want them to have good attitudes and respond with love when someone says or does something hurtful, but that means I have to watch how I respond (especially when i am driving!).
I want to teach them how to have a intimate relationship with god, but that means they need to see ME spending time with Him, talking about Him, worshiping Him...

I feel like I fail them so often. I told my sister-in-law that the second you get that second line on a pregnancy test, the guilt starts. Am I doing enough or too much? Will this hurt the baby? Is it poisoning them if they get formula for some feedings instead of breast milk? Are they not using as many words because I haven't read to them enough? What school will I send them to? Will they turn out to be degenerates if I choose to put them in public school instead of home-schooling them like my parents did me? See? Guilt is all a part of parenting! I don't want to be a good example because of guilt, but because I feel I have a God-given responsibility to show them the right path and how to walk in it and how to hear God's voice (Isaiah 30:21). God, give me the strength I need to be a good example to them, and let me lead them to You...

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Day









I have lived a lot of places in my lifetime, but New Hampshire just has its own particular beauty. About a thousand times a day I wish I was a professional photographer and could capture the magnificent light at sunset or the bright blue of the sky through the trees. Its beauty just makes me happy. Yesterday afternoon, I took the kids out to play at the church and ride bikes in the huge empty parking lot. The sun has been out the last few days giving me reason to hope that it will come and play for good some time soon. What is it about sunshine on your head that just makes life better? I definitely needed it this week! I loved seeing the kids enjoying the fresh air. I didn't even mind when the twins dug holes in the ground and filled up puddles with mud, or Judah walking through those same puddles and soaking his clothes. I looked at them with complete understanding. Sick of being inside, anxious to get down in the dirt and explore, loving the feel of the sun on your head. I have missed it too.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Everyday Things


"Daddy and Mommy" a portrait by Evalyn


I got in the shower this morning and turned on the water. The spray is not a trickle or a wussy stream, but it comes out full and firm on your head.
I soaped up my hair with my shampoo, all the while reminding Evalyn to please not flush while mommy is in the shower and trying to keep Judah from climbing in with his jammies on.
I get out and bury my face in a fluffy towel that smells like laundry detergent (I recently switched to Tide and will never go back).
I put on all of my lotions and creams, get dressed, and go downstairs to dry my hair. I get out the hair dryer and automatically flush the toilet where I know Gavin peed and was too sleepy to remember that minor detail in his early morning fog.
I turn on the hair dryer while simultaneously trying to keep Judah from climbing on the stool-turning on the water-playing in the toilet-putting cars in the washing machine-putting on my make-up.
I finish up and pick up Judah, seeing that he has soaked through his diaper and pajamas. I take him to the sink, soap him up with dish washing liquid, hose him off, then take him to get dressed.
I make the kids breakfast, get Gavin's back pack ready for school, and get the rest of them dressed. I go to my room to pick up the laundry and see that Judah has made cat food soup again by dumping the cat's food into his water.
I clean that up and go downstairs to put Gavin on the bus, stopping to pick up random dirty clothes and discarded jammies to throw in the laundry.
I get him on the bus, kiss my hubby on his way out the door, and sit down with my cup of coffee thinking of my morning and all of the things I have to do on this day.
Normally, I might gripe when cleaning up the cat food, or complain about all the laundry that is piling up in baskets, but today I am looking at things with a different perspective.

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I spent the weekend in the hospital with a kidney infection that was pretty serious, and I laid in a bed that smelled like the hospital, tethered to an i.v., watching the sun through the window. I took showers with plastic over my i.v. site, washing my hair with the hospital issued shampoo since I forgot mine at home, drying myself off with towels the size of large washcloths. I ate my meals sitting by myself in bed, surrounded by silence. It was misery. The nurses were lovely, food was good, visitors encouraging and sweet, but I hated every second of it. When I walked through the doors of my house on Sunday afternoon, I was welcomed by all the sights, sounds, smells, and chaos that mean HOME to me. Three days without it made me understand how much I take my everyday life for granted. I understood that my family gives me a reason to wake up and be joyful, expectant that something fun or interesting, or maybe even a little gross will happen today. There will be messes, tears, laughter, fighting, laundry, cleaning, and a million other things to fill my day, but it will be good. This morning was just a typical day in my life as a mom, but it was so much sweeter.