Sweet Stellan

I am on my knees for this baby. My heart aches for his sweet mama and everything she is enduring, seeing her baby so sick. Things are looking pretty grim right now. If you think about it today, please say a prayer for baby Stellan.

Kitchen company

This is my view most days as I go about my day. My little man hangs out on the kitchen counter in his pink bumbo, keeping me company as I cook and clean, babbling to me in his sweet baby talk. He is beginning to figure out how to flip his tray off, so he has been trying out the high chair most days, but the bumbo is still his favorite when mama lets him sit in it. I couldn't ask for better company.

Friday Funnies

The other day, I sat Evalyn on the potty and told her she should try to poop. She sat for a minute and said "My poop wants to go swimming in the potty." After a few minutes of trying, she says " My poop wants to stay with his friends, they don't want to go swimming today." I laughed so hard! She has quite the imagination. I also think it is completely pathetic that the highlight of my week was talking about poop with my daughter. Sigh.....

In eleven days....

my baby brother will be getting married. Sure, he doesn't look like a baby, and I am sure everyone else that sees him sees a 6'0, 25-year-old man with facial hair, but to me, he is my baby brother. The one that bugged me and fought with me growing up. The one that I hated having to hold his sweaty little hands when we crossed the street, the one that was always dressed up as a fireman or cowboy or karate kid, the one that made us all laugh when his voice changed, the one that wore goofy glasses, the one that can play multiple instruments without even trying, the one that held us all together when my dad passed away, the one that became my mom's right hand and took over the church my dad pastored, the one that deserves, more than anything, this happiness.

I always wondered if he would find a girl that deserves him (or at least one that we thought deserves him!). After dating girls that were prissy or took advantage of him or were just plain wrong, he found Joanna. I knew this girl was a keeper when I visited last May and she spent the afternoon with all four of us sisters, beating us in Dutch Blitz. She is perfect for him, a perfect fit into our family. In eleven days, Dustin will be a husband, and I might have to start thinking of him as a grown up.

Praying for Stellan

Stellan is a baby I prayed for when he was diagnosed with SVT in utero. God performed a miracle, and Stellan was born healthy with no complications. Now, Stellan's SVT has appeared, and a miracle is needed once again. Please pray for God's healing in Stellan's life.

I can smell it....

It is almost that time again, and today we got a sneak preview. The sun came out, the snow melted, and we were able to get outside in the fresh air with friends. The kids played in the mud with sticks and rocks, and even got into the sandbox for awhile. I am aching for spring to come. The winter has been long and we are running out of creative ways to keep busy little bodies occupied. I have been to the McDonald's play place enough times this winter for them to hang a special plaque for us among the contributing donors. Seriously though, we do go there a lot. I am anxious for those sunny days, the kids spending every waking moment in their bathing suits, and just being outside in the fresh air. Today was a wonderful taste of what is to come. Hurry up, spring. You can't come soon enough.....

Missing him....

I was reading a photography blog today, when all of a sudden, some familiar music started playing. The blog was set to the music from "Somewhere in Time" and was my dad's favorite classical music. He would listen to it every morning before we got up, or put it on when he was napping on Sunday afternoons. I haven't heard it since his funeral (they played is when his casket was brought into the church). I was smiling and crying all at the same time, glad to be reminded of that random memory, sad about all the little quirky things about him that seem to be fading from my mind.

I don't know why, but lately the pain of missing him has been hitting me hard. It has been a year and a half since he died, and I feel more overwhelmed with his death than ever before. It is just harder now. It feels like everyone else has moved on, forgotten him. Even my family doesn't talk of him very often, the pain is still so close to the surface,and its hard to mention his name without tears. With my brother's wedding and my dad's birthday coming up, his absence is felt even more.

Today, I wanted to write down a few things that I remember about him. I want to be able to think back and tell my kids about who he was and how much he loved them. Most importantly, I want to remember him.

1.My dad always dressed up. I can only think of a handful of times that he wore jeans, and he never wore shorts unless he was swimming. He had these funny bald spots on his legs and was embarrassed about them. He felt like he was dressing casual if he didn't have a tie or sport coat on.

2. He loved Brut cologne. My mom would often try to get him more expensive cologne, but they would sit in the cabinet untouched. You can get Brut for 8.99 at the drugstore, but it was the only thing he would wear. Every year,the only thing he would ever ask from us for Christmas was underwear and Brut. That is the smell I will always associate with him.

3. He loved his leather jacket and big sunglasses. I remember when he got the jacket, he felt instantly cool. For someone that spent so much time in suits and sport coats, the leather jacket came out when he was "dressing down" and wanted to be more casual. I loved how cute he was in that coat.

4. He loved coffee, and it had to be steaming HOT. He would often meet people from the church (he was a pastor) at a restaurant in town called Country Kitchen. He fell in love with their coffee, and even had them order some for him when they placed an order for the restaurant. He would take home the Styrofoam cups from there and wash them because they were the perfect size and kept his coffee at just the right temperature. My mom would have to secretly throw them away because he would have a huge stack of them on top of the fridge. He was at Country Kitchen so often, he even made up his own breakfast that they called "the Pastor's Special." When he died, the staff at Country Kitchen sent a huge bouquet to the church and a note, saying how much he would be missed=).

5. He loved old books. Every available space in my parents house is filled with bookshelves and old books. He is the one that taught me the love of reading. He would find first editions for pennies at garage sales and goodwill. He also hid those purchases from my mom, as he was a pack rat and hated to get rid of stuff, so the books piled everywhere!

6. He always took us seriously. We would share our ideas with him, and he always encouraged us to be creative and try new things. He is the reason why I went on a mission's trip to Mexico, travelled around to different cities leading worship for youth functions, interned at a youth camp, spent a whole summer in Oregon with my grandma, and came to New Hampshire. He had an adventurous spirit, and wanted us to see the world.

7. I have never ever met anyone that loved their kids more than he loved us. My parents couldn't have kids for eight years, so they adopted my older sister from Guam. Two years later, they had me, then my brother, then my baby sister. They also adopted my second cousins, so there was six of us. Because couldn't have kids for so many years, we were so precious and valuable to them. We were home schooled so he could spend more time with us, and he took off every Tuesday to take us to the Science Center, or a museum, or some other educational place. Those days, the cell phone was off and his attention was focused on his family. Some of my best memories are from those Tuesday family days. Isaac and I have now incorporated Family Day into our own family. I want to make those same memories with our kids.

8. He was the first person I called when I had something to share, good or bad. He helped me with hard papers in college, sending me books on the subject or websites that he thought would be helpful. He would talk me through stressful days, or pray with me when I felt overwhelmed. He often sent dutch letters or stroopi(its an Iowa thing) to cheer me up. When I got pregnant with the twins, he was the first person I called. He was so thrilled. I remember him saying that if he could, he would run down the street whooping and clicking his heels together. Now that is excited.
9. He was so wise when it came to raising his kids. I remember he would always meet with parents that were at their wits end and give them advice on raising their kids. How I wish I could call him and talk to him about my three! He did things in such a firm but loving way. He dealt with each of us as an individual, and took time away for one-on-one moments. He would take us for "special times" when he had visitations to do at the hospital, and we would go with him and then out to lunch or to see a movie. He wanted us to know that we were special to him in our own way.

10. He loved my mom. He would always talk to us about her, how beautiful she is, how talented, and how much he loved her. He never missed a birthday or anniversary, and went to great lengths to make her feel special. When we were old enough to be left alone, he took her on dates at least once a week. It could just be coffee or a nice dinner, but it was time alone together. That has been the hardest, seeing my mom without him. When her birthday came around right after he died, she got a call from her favorite store, asking if Mr. Black wanted to order his wife the make-up case filled with her favorite things again this year, as he always did. She said "Yes, I think he would."

Lovies....

I have to admit, I love when my babies pick something that is special to them to love on. Each one of them have different things they have chosen that bring them comfort. I received an extremely soft pink blanket with bugs and flowers on it for my baby shower when I was pregnant with the twins, and Evalyn has loved it since she was tiny. She never took a binky, so that blanket is the only thing that would soothe her. I would lay it over her when she was fussing, and she would grab fistfuls of the blanket and rub it on her tongue. Here is a picture of my little contortionist loving on her blankey at about a year.
When she turned 2, I thought I should probably get a back up since she would throw a huge fit whenever I had to wash blankey. I searched everywhere, but blankey was no longer being made, and Evalyn would accept no substitutes. One awesome mama friend of mine found the exact blankey on Ebay, and sent me the link. I purchased blankey #2 for a whopping $2 (the shipping cost more than the actual blanket!). I was thrilled thinking now we had one to switch out whenever blankey #1 needed to be washed. Evalyn caught on right away that there was now two blankies, and insisted on sleeping with both of them. So much for the washing. Now I have to have them washed before nap or bedtime, or my sleepy little girl will wait up until they are both clean and in her arms. And she still does the tongue thing, which is weird but cute!

Those blankets of hers brings her such comfort, and instantly sooths her. She asks for them whenever she is tired or in trouble, so they are never far from her. Here is a picture of my three and a half year old with her blankey, just the other night. She also calls them her "wankies." So funny.
Gavin, on the other hand, was my binky baby. He loved his binkies, and we had one in every room, the car seat, the diaper bag, the crib, everywhere. I was terrified of being without one. He was such an easy-going baby, and finding the binky would make him instantly content and happy.



At around 2 years, I finally had to take them away. I don't know who was more devastated, him or me. I felt bad that, while Evalyn could take her blankies to college if she so chooses, binkies are not socially acceptable for an eighteen-year-old. I had him throw them in the trash, and we watched as the trash man came and took them away. I have been more than a little amused to see what he has replaced that little piece of plastic with. He now sleeps with his special pillow (its a feather one), a pink flowered blanket that my grandma made me when I was a teenager, and a panda bear named Jake.

I have to admit, I was thrilled when he chose Jake as his special friend. Jake is actually my lovey. I got him when I was seven from my first boyfriend (hence his name!), and slept with him until I got married (no judgments people). Seeing Jake once again loved on and holding a special place on my son's bed warms my heart.

Judah is a funny mixture of the twins. He has a special blanket that he became attached to, and sleeps with every night. He just seems to settle better when I give it to him. He also loves his binky. I think it will be easier to take the binky away since he has a special blanket that he loves as well.

I don't know why, but I am secretly thrilled when my kids find that special something that they get attached to and love. Jake came everywhere with me as a child, and still as a teenager and college student (although he was often tucked into my pillowcase so as not to loose any cool points). He brought me comfort when I was away from home, and made me feel a little more at ease to be bringing a piece of home with me. He still smelled like my home in Iowa for years afterwards (that sounds gross, but he did get washed regularly!). I guess it is nice to know
that, when mama can't hold them, they will still have something that reminds them of my love and the comfort and warmth of home.

Big sister....

She was sitting beside her brother on the couch, just loving and cuddling on him. She takes her role as big sister very seriously, and is such a good second mama to him!

Friday Funnies....

Boy do I have a good one today! As I have mentioned previously, Gavin is on the tail end of potty training. He still has a hard time getting his pants on himself, but we have been working on it. On Wednesday nights, we attend a Bible study at church. It starts at 7, so I have the kids bathed and in jammies so we can put them right to bed when we get home. They play in the kid's room while we do our study. This past Wednesday, we were in the midst of our Bible study, when all of a sudden I hear one of the ladies gasp and say, "oh NO!" Everyone's eyes turn and there is Gavin running towards us, naked as could be, with his undies in one hand and his jammes in the other yelling, "Help me, Mama!" I quickly took him back to the bathroom to get him situated. Our pastor could barely keep it together the rest of the night.....

Scary.....

Isaac and I will be married 5 years on April 3rd. It does not seem like a lot of time, but we have lived so much in those 5 short years. What is really scary is how well that man knows me. We were sitting in the car yesterday, and he looked over at me and said EXACTLY what I was thinking. I asked him how he knew and he said he can tell by my expression or the way I am moving my lips what I am thinking about. He did it again when we were at Bible study, writing me a note telling me exactly what I was thinking (and telling me to stop and pay attention!). What is astounding to me is knowing that he pays attention, that he reads me, that he knows me better than anyone and anticipates my needs. I can't explain how good that feels, or how safe. I am constantly thanking God for blessing my life with his.


While I am bragging on my hubby, how cute is this picture of him reading Cinderella to the kids the other night? Seeing my manly man reading a girly book to his daughter made me melt. Talk about knowing the way to this girl's heart.

A change....

I have decided to change the name/look of my blog. My life isn't perfect, but it is beautiful in its own chaotic way. I think Beautiful Chaos is a much better description of my little world. I also decided to add some color to cheer me up while these grey days go on and on.....

A Perfect Day...

I was just going through some pictures on my camera, and found some that I thought I lost. It was a few days after Judah came home from the hospital, and my mom was here helping out. Some friends from church invited us to the cabin they were renting for the weekend. I hesitated about going, but we decided that it would be nice to get out of the house, let the kids play in the lake, and run off some energy. We packed up all of our swimsuits, towels, fishing poles and baby gear. When we got there, the kids ran right into the water and played for hours. My mom helped them find sticks and rocks, and Isaac took them for a ride in the canoe.




It was so awesome seeing the kids having such a great time with their grandma. Living so far away from her is really hard, so it always brings joy to my heart watching her love on my kids and seeing them get to have their grandma's undivided attention. I loved seeing her play ball with Gavin and how excited he was when he hit the ball. She is amazing.







After a few hours in the water, I made them take a break and eat some lunch. We all sat down at the picnic table and started getting the kids situated. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Evalyn lift up her shirt and start nursing her baby doll. I asked her what she was doing, and she said that her baby was hungry too. I have been searching for this picture everywhere! I was so excited when I found it. It is also the only picture I have of Judah that I had from that day, as he spent most of his time in the shade sleeping.


Isaac was so great with them that day. I was still recovering and taking care of the baby, so he stayed out in the water with the kids for at least 5 hours. After we ate, he took Gavin out to the dock and fished with him. Gavin absolutely loves to fish, and I love watching Isaac showing his son how to do it, patiently casting and hooking endless worms or untangling the line. These are some of the sweetest pictures of the day...





Today it is snowing and cold outside, so these pictures brought me a different kind of warmth. It also made me miss the summer and my mom!