A letter from dad....

I have been having a really hard time lately. The 29th will be one year since my dad died, and it takes my breath away to think that I will never hear his voice again or see his face. Lately, I have been looking for letters or e-mails that he had written, wanting to find something that he wrote to me, but couldn't find anything since our old computer crashed and we have moved a couple of times. This really upset me to think that I didn't have anything from him.

The other day, Isaac was cleaning out a box in the garage that had been there since we moved. He found an old calander of mine, and tucked inside was a letter to me from my dad, written when I moved to NH five years ago. He had sent me a check, so I am sure I probably skimmed the letter and totally focused on the check, not paying much attention to his words. This time, I took in every word, every scratch of his pen. This letter was infinately precious to me, and I wouldn't take any amount of money for it. In it, he told me of his love and concern for me, his sadness that I had moved so far away, and his assurance that God would take care of me, even if he couldn't. The end of the letter said exactly what I wanted to hear, words of love and encouragement from my dad. It said this: I love you, Desha. You have always been "the girl next to my heart." I thank the Lord every day for the day you were born and God brought you into our lives. I am so very proud of you and your devotion to Him. That means everything to me. Love, Dad

I can't tell you what this meant to me, or how much it comforted me. To see his words of love in his familiar handwriting helped ease the pain of the coming anniversary of his death. It also reminded me of my other Father, and his compassion on a daughter missing her dad. Thank you God, for blessing me with such an amazing man as a dad, and a reminder of a Father's love.

Summer Fun

I am so sad to see the end of summer coming to a close. We had such an amazing time seeing and doing things as a family. The twins are at a great age right now where they enjoy little things, and can remember the places we take them to. Some of our favorites this summer was Storyland, fishing with daddy, taking a train ride around Hyannnis, and going to the parks (especially the sprinkler park!) whenever possible. I loved watching the kids enjoy themselves and experience things they have never done before. Life just seems to rush by, and I get sad when I realize how quickly they are growing up and doing things on their own. Evalyn wants to do everything by herself, and refuses to hold my hand unless we are crossing a street. She is so independent and self assured. This makes me proud and happy as well as sad that she needs her mommy less and less.

I love seeing the light in Gavin's eyes when he talks about his trains, so when we got to ride on one this summer, he was in heaven! His little face was so serious as he took everything in. The fact that we actually ate lunch on the train just made his whole day!

I love doing special things like that with my kids, and I hope I always remember that life goes too fast and we need to take advantage of the time we have with them. They make everything so much more fun when I look at things through their eyes. It makes trips to the park more than just an outing. They are finding out about life and exploring the world around them. Whenever we take a walk, they fill their pockets with rocks and sticks or whatever "treasures" we happen to come across. I love that. I love picnics in the back yard and teaching them to ride "big kid bikes." I love that they are barefoot and in bathing suites every day. I love watching them pick tomatoes out of the garden and eat them with juice running down their chins. I will miss summer, but I look forward to fall. Apple picking, hot cider, the smell of leaves burning, and new adventures with my two little explorers!

My life so far

When I met you, you were like red wine and honey, and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness. Now you are like morning bread, smooth and pleasant. I hardly taste you at all, for I know your savor, but I am completely nourished....

~Amy Lowell

When I was little, I used to dream about the man I would marry, the family I would have. I never in a million years could have imagined that those dreams would become my reality. Isaac and I were married on April 3, 2004. It was the happiest day of my life, and the moment that we became an "us." In January of 2005, we experienced another incredible moment when we found out we were expecting! We got an even bigger shock four months later when an ultrasound told us that we were having TWINS!

Evalyn Grace and Gavin Isaac were born on September 22, 2005, and they made "us" a family. I had dreamed my whole life of having babies, and finally I held my dreams in my arms. It was incredible and amazing to have these two little people who completely depended on us. Even more beautiful than our little family, was seeing Isaac become a daddy. I knew he was a great guy, a wonderful husband, but I wasn't prepared for how much more I would fall in love with him when I saw him with our babies. He is an amazing dad.

We spent the next two years raising our babies, doing ministry, and trying to get as much living into each day as we possibly could. Life was definately crazy with two toddlers both getting into things at the same time, but they are so much fun and I wouldn't trade a second of it! It just meant having to find new and different ways to do things.

Our most favorite times were those we could spend with our families. Living so far away is hard so we try to visit as much as possible. We both have such amazing parents and siblings, so our times together are precious to us. In 2006, my dad started having problems associated with his diabetes. We made the trip to Iowa a few times to be there for different procedures that he had done, and he was in and out of the hospital quite a bit. It was so hard to see him deteriorating in health more and more, and see my strong, capable dad go through so much pain. I can't imagine how hard those days were for him, and I know there were times when he didn't even want to get out of bed, but he pushed through for his wife, family, and ministry. We made the trip again in August of 2007, after they had amputated his leg from gangrene. It was shocking to see the change in him. He was so discouraged and struggling to deal with this new obstacle, but determined to do it for us. It was such a sweet time because I got to see my dad enjoy his grand kids. Evalyn especially thought he was wonderful and thought his wheelchair was so much fun. That would be the last time I saw my dad. I wish I would have known. I would have held him a little longer, talked to him a little more, asked more questions about life. I wish I would have paid more attention when he gave me advice about kids or ministry. I feel so cheated, especially when I look at my kids and know that they will never fully understand what an incredible man he was. He died on September 29, 2007, and that day also is ingrained in my memory, a day I would never want to relive. His death so devastated me. He was the center that our family revolved around, and I think we all are still trying to find our place since he left us. The next few months were extremely difficult, and I struggled to find a light in the darkness that surrounded me. God answered our prayers and we found out we were expecting our third baby.

It was such a blessing in the middle of such devastation, and it reminded us that God is good, and he gives and takes away, we just needed to trust him. We all looked forward to meeting this new person and seeing how he would add to our family. Even though it was an incredibly sad time, God always gave us new things to smile about. Our kids constantly bring us so much joy and keep us laughing. They are both so different and have very unique personalities. Evalyn is feisty and outgoing while Gavin is more thoughtful and introverted. They were so excited to be having a baby brother. Gavin would put his head on my belly and make up songs for the baby. Evalyn was constantly talking to Judah through my belly button. We tried to pack as much into those last few months as we could, knowing that things would be very different once there were 5 of us! We went fishing, swimming, and took the kids to Storyland and on a train ride. We wanted them to feel special and savor our time together.

On July 8, 2008, we welcomed Judah James. We decided to name him Judah (praise) and James (after my dad). His birth was much harder than the twins, but the moment I saw his face, I was in love. He is so beautiful! He fits into our family perfectly. That pretty much sums up our life to this point. God has blessed us in so many ways, and he is turning our mourning into dancing.